Taking After "Dudes"

 The most recent The Background of Anne book entry.

Saturday, February 7, 2015:

I just came back from the School of Rock and there were 13 kids and Rock 101 class today and it was very stressful because the large class was very hard for my teacher to manage. I'm very depressed right now and I'm crying. My Dad just yelled at me because I was talking about Nikki Sixx too much. So Nikki’s had blocked me on Twitter like about 10 months ago in July of last year. My Dad basically told me that he's gonna be a hard ass and that he's not going to unblock me. He didn't say that you wouldn't unblock me out all but he made it pretty obvious that it is going to be nearly impossible to get Nikki Sixx unblock me on Twitter. And I told him that if Nikki is going to be a hard ass that I'm not gonna be friends of him anymore. And my mom was just telling me that “he has his own life,” but the thing that people don't realize is that I had to deal with discrimination. And I tried really hard to get Nikki Sixx to recognize, notice, to contact me and take me seriously, because all he wanted to do was just have one fucking chance to go out with him. I mean the discrimination I had to deal with was highly comparable to racial discrimination – but it wasn't racial discrimination at all. What it was is that I was too young to have sex, I was below the age of consent, I asked men out repeatedly and I always got told no. I never got a chance to build a life of my own, and you expect me to just get up and all the life of my own now, I don't think so! But people don't understand is that we younger girls who lust after older men – we have something called teleiophilia. People constantly nitpicking poke at us because they say, “he could be old enough to be your Dad” – and they don't do that the boys they just do that to us girls. They want to do that to a guy to be like she's old enough to be your mother. And I just never really got it, I just get it why people have to you know pick on people like that idea I just don't understand it. You know there’s this one Instagram account that both Nikki and I follow. They put up an interview clip of Courtney Stodden and she said that when she was 16 she married a 50-year-old man, and I know that she love the guy. All these people were out to pester her and this one woman was calling her a “idiot.” And I was the only one who said that Courtney Stodden is “awesome,” I have compassion for her because I know what it's like to be attracted to older men young age, I understand it.

Other people just don't understand it and it's like the same thing as picking on a gay person, it's no different. You can't please everybody, but I always feel like I have to speak up. I made an account on Myspace, I tried to make myself look appealing, and he just blew me off basically. What people worry getting is the fact that I really had feelings for him, I really was in love with him. The biggest mistake ever was reading The Herion Diaries or This Is Gonna Hurt in the first place. Because that just made me fall my but him even more, now I can't escape. I'm doing for life. It's really hard, like I can't escape it. And I know that I did all the wrong things to try to get him to be with me, I didn't know that he was it like that anymore – I was acting like it was the ‘80s in 2010, what planet was I from? Not the right one. This inescapable pain that I deal with, and you know that I really, really, really have the worst of feelings towards Nikki’s wife Courtney. Because I didn't even get a chance at all, being a love to me was it like a job. But now I look at it as like being a job, and I didn't even get a gig for an interview, nor did I get hired. Of course at that time you know me, it was just real spontaneous, I had to go somewhere on my life, somewhere else because where I was going was the same place that he was going in 1987. You better believe me that this is true, and I'm hiding this, and I'm still hiding this, and I'm still hiding this, and I'm still hiding this. He asked me about it you know fuck. I've always felt like a fish out of water, like I don't fit in, like I don't belong with the rest of society. Listen really tired of my mom telling me that he has his own life – you think I'm stupid or something. I know that everyone has a life, I am not that stupid to the point where I can't get the concept of life, I know what the concept of life is! Listen man I was doing this for me okay I wasn't doing this for him, I was doing this for me because I fell in love with him and I wanted to talk to him so I could make it all better okay.

So I mean it's not like I don't care about him because I do but I was mostly doing this for me. It's like people like you don't understand me; you don't get it, why I’m even in this catch 21 situation in the first place. You know what being in love is a bitch okay, I don't even understand why we even fond of the opposite sex in the first place and why we even lust after the guy’s penis, being a straight woman, I really wish that life was a lot simpler. I really wish that my life was a lot simpler and that I didn't have these feelings and that I could just be happy with it and say, “You know what, fuck it.” The thing is when I see Courtney I want to look exactly like her, I want long legs, I want to be taller, you know I want a sexier appearance myself too. Especially just the way I look at myself in the mirror, I don't feel good about myself. And I know that she sexier to me and I have to live knowing that and it's driving me just out of my mind. I’m gonna say this again, I wish I didn't even have these feelings and I wish that life could be a lot simpler. And you know what, for me and a lot of other people, life could be a lot simpler without them, okay. I am really sick and tired of this whole fucking game I’m playing and you know it's like people may think that I'm a sucker. I’m just like, “Fuck, man!” I just want to be normal okay! Unfortunately I got in this situation, I got lured into it, and now I have to get out of it, and get into a new situation. I even care if my new situation’s going to be bad, just anything besides this. I don't even care if I'm sitting out in the street somewhere smoking pot; it's okay. You know what life could be a lot simpler if I could have everything I ever wanted. Listen I posted an Ad on Craigslist that I'm willing to pay to talk to Nikki Sixx for more than just five minutes. Not like you what you get at those meeting and greets, somebody responded to my Ad and said that they're willing to help me. So I hope it goes well and I hope I get to talk to Nikki Sixx one more time about all the shit that's going on in my life.

As much as I hate to say it, I should be willing to just give up, because life would be a lot simpler without the feelings, like what I said before. You know I was 13 years old once in my life, I faced a lot of age discrimination, okay! (It’s like I was a second class citizen!) And what I learned from it is that you have to face your own problems and that you're not gonna get anything that you want if it's not attainable. You're just not gonna get it, it's as plain as simple as that. And that you have to suffer whether you like it or not if someone tells you no. And that really sucks. And when I was thirteen you know damn well I wanted to be 18, I am right now, and how long did it take me to get here? 6 years, well I think most of my life or at least a quarter of it, or at least just 1%, of it maybe 0.5% of it has gone by already. I mean I'm stuck at a really bad point in my life, I'm stuck at a crossroad here. I'm stuck in the hills, I'm stuck in the mountains, I'm stuck wherever you want to put me. All know is that I'm just stuck. Listen I know that I'm not gay okay, I know them straight, but I kind of want to embrace that inner dude side of me, because being a girl is just too fucking tough, and being a woman is just a bitch! Dude I should have it better! Listen man I'm not saying that I'm gonna get a sex change okay – I'm not there yet, I don't think that I'm ever going to do that. But I just want to stop being a girl, I just want to stop being a woman, and I want to be a man who can just live a life that's a lot simpler. I want to be like a half lady and a half man, but I'm still straight. I want to basically be like a tomboy now because I just can't take it anymore, I just can't take being a girl can I just can't take being a woman, it's the label, it's a stereotype. I just I can't deal with it anymore, I'm sorry, it's just it's too much. I've had to deal with so much my life that I don't want to fucking deal with it anymore. I want to act more like a dude than a lady, I don't know if that's being a Dyke, but remember I'm still straight okay, I still like cock. To get over Nikki, first like I let go myself, and to really truly let go of my pass in a race it, I got two summing drastic. Listen I still may dress like a girl and act like a girl if I choose to, but I'm willing to bring out this other side of me as like an alter ego just so I can recover myself and just kind of get to know myself again. Because I have let myself go too far with this Nikki Sixx thing, now I just don't know where it is anymore, I'm losing my mind already. It's fucking ridiculous! I don't know if I like being feminine, I don't know if I really want to be feminine, I mean I never was a feminine person, but I've always been into being sexy though.

So I'm going to do something to change my identity, just so I can get out of my shell and get over people who put a spin on things and bring me down because, you know what in the end were not here for you were here for us. Just like what Nikki Sixx said on the Sixx Sense last year. Because I tell you right now, I understand why Nikki would be concerned about his reputation and all, but it doesn't feel good as a fan been blocked on Twitter, I'm sorry I just had to say that! And this is my opinion, I'm gonna stand on it, and if you want to be friends with me, great! But please just give me a second chance and unblock me, and if I do it again you can keep me blocked for life, I promise you that I won't do it again. I mean, you know what, I'm done with men, and had enough already. What I mean is that I'm done with the men that I've already dealt with in my life, I'm not really done with men per say, because I'm still trying to date. And I'm also straight. But I want to I want to find a simpler way of life, and not have to worry about these feelings that I have been having, I want Nikki Sixx to break my virginity or whatever, just “fuck it” already. You know I can still be a girl, but I just want to be more like a dude, I don't really want to be a girl if you know I mean. I’m acting like a dude, I'm eating like a dude, I'm the start maybe dressing like a dude a little bit more at certain times, maybe throw this or that my wardrobe that's more dude-ish. You know what I'm missing out on life, and I'm gonna try to let go of my feelings for him by transitioning into this dude persona so I don't even have to worry about being in love just in general. Because I don't like being on love, the way things have went right now, and just in general I think that the heartbreak is just the worst thing to deal with. And I don't want that again, I don't want to be love, it sucks too much. I want to be a rock dude, like I'm done with this man.