The most recent The Background of Anne book entry.
Saturday, February 7, 2015:
I just came back from the School of Rock and there were 13 kids and Rock 101 class today and it was very stressful because the large class was very hard for my teacher to manage. I'm very depressed right now and I'm crying. My Dad just yelled at me because I was talking about Nikki Sixx too much. So Nikki’s had blocked me on Twitter like about 10 months ago in July of last year. My Dad basically told me that he's gonna be a hard ass and that he's not going to unblock me. He didn't say that you wouldn't unblock me out all but he made it pretty obvious that it is going to be nearly impossible to get Nikki Sixx unblock me on Twitter. And I told him that if Nikki is going to be a hard ass that I'm not gonna be friends of him anymore. And my mom was just telling me that “he has his own life,” but the thing that people don't realize is that I had to deal with discrimination. And I tried really hard to get Nikki Sixx to recognize, notice, to contact me and take me seriously, because all he wanted to do was just have one fucking chance to go out with him. I mean the discrimination I had to deal with was highly comparable to racial discrimination – but it wasn't racial discrimination at all. What it was is that I was too young to have sex, I was below the age of consent, I asked men out repeatedly and I always got told no. I never got a chance to build a life of my own, and you expect me to just get up and all the life of my own now, I don't think so! But people don't understand is that we younger girls who lust after older men – we have something called teleiophilia. People constantly nitpicking poke at us because they say, “he could be old enough to be your Dad” – and they don't do that the boys they just do that to us girls. They want to do that to a guy to be like she's old enough to be your mother. And I just never really got it, I just get it why people have to you know pick on people like that idea I just don't understand it. You know there’s this one Instagram account that both Nikki and I follow. They put up an interview clip of Courtney Stodden and she said that when she was 16 she married a 50-year-old man, and I know that she love the guy. All these people were out to pester her and this one woman was calling her a “idiot.” And I was the only one who said that Courtney Stodden is “awesome,” I have compassion for her because I know what it's like to be attracted to older men young age, I understand it.
Other people just don't understand it and it's like the same thing as picking on a gay person, it's no different. You can't please everybody, but I always feel like I have to speak up. I made an account on Myspace, I tried to make myself look appealing, and he just blew me off basically. What people worry getting is the fact that I really had feelings for him, I really was in love with him. The biggest mistake ever was reading The Herion Diaries or This Is Gonna Hurt in the first place. Because that just made me fall my but him even more, now I can't escape. I'm doing for life. It's really hard, like I can't escape it. And I know that I did all the wrong things to try to get him to be with me, I didn't know that he was it like that anymore – I was acting like it was the ‘80s in 2010, what planet was I from? Not the right one. This inescapable pain that I deal with, and you know that I really, really, really have the worst of feelings towards Nikki’s wife Courtney. Because I didn't even get a chance at all, being a love to me was it like a job. But now I look at it as like being a job, and I didn't even get a gig for an interview, nor did I get hired. Of course at that time you know me, it was just real spontaneous, I had to go somewhere on my life, somewhere else because where I was going was the same place that he was going in 1987. You better believe me that this is true, and I'm hiding this, and I'm still hiding this, and I'm still hiding this, and I'm still hiding this. He asked me about it you know fuck. I've always felt like a fish out of water, like I don't fit in, like I don't belong with the rest of society. Listen really tired of my mom telling me that he has his own life – you think I'm stupid or something. I know that everyone has a life, I am not that stupid to the point where I can't get the concept of life, I know what the concept of life is! Listen man I was doing this for me okay I wasn't doing this for him, I was doing this for me because I fell in love with him and I wanted to talk to him so I could make it all better okay.
So I mean it's not like I don't care about him because I do but I was mostly doing this for me. It's like people like you don't understand me; you don't get it, why I’m even in this catch 21 situation in the first place. You know what being in love is a bitch okay, I don't even understand why we even fond of the opposite sex in the first place and why we even lust after the guy’s penis, being a straight woman, I really wish that life was a lot simpler. I really wish that my life was a lot simpler and that I didn't have these feelings and that I could just be happy with it and say, “You know what, fuck it.” The thing is when I see Courtney I want to look exactly like her, I want long legs, I want to be taller, you know I want a sexier appearance myself too. Especially just the way I look at myself in the mirror, I don't feel good about myself. And I know that she sexier to me and I have to live knowing that and it's driving me just out of my mind. I’m gonna say this again, I wish I didn't even have these feelings and I wish that life could be a lot simpler. And you know what, for me and a lot of other people, life could be a lot simpler without them, okay. I am really sick and tired of this whole fucking game I’m playing and you know it's like people may think that I'm a sucker. I’m just like, “Fuck, man!” I just want to be normal okay! Unfortunately I got in this situation, I got lured into it, and now I have to get out of it, and get into a new situation. I even care if my new situation’s going to be bad, just anything besides this. I don't even care if I'm sitting out in the street somewhere smoking pot; it's okay. You know what life could be a lot simpler if I could have everything I ever wanted. Listen I posted an Ad on Craigslist that I'm willing to pay to talk to Nikki Sixx for more than just five minutes. Not like you what you get at those meeting and greets, somebody responded to my Ad and said that they're willing to help me. So I hope it goes well and I hope I get to talk to Nikki Sixx one more time about all the shit that's going on in my life.
As much as I hate to say it, I should be willing to just give up, because life would be a lot simpler without the feelings, like what I said before. You know I was 13 years old once in my life, I faced a lot of age discrimination, okay! (It’s like I was a second class citizen!) And what I learned from it is that you have to face your own problems and that you're not gonna get anything that you want if it's not attainable. You're just not gonna get it, it's as plain as simple as that. And that you have to suffer whether you like it or not if someone tells you no. And that really sucks. And when I was thirteen you know damn well I wanted to be 18, I am right now, and how long did it take me to get here? 6 years, well I think most of my life or at least a quarter of it, or at least just 1%, of it maybe 0.5% of it has gone by already. I mean I'm stuck at a really bad point in my life, I'm stuck at a crossroad here. I'm stuck in the hills, I'm stuck in the mountains, I'm stuck wherever you want to put me. All know is that I'm just stuck. Listen I know that I'm not gay okay, I know them straight, but I kind of want to embrace that inner dude side of me, because being a girl is just too fucking tough, and being a woman is just a bitch! Dude I should have it better! Listen man I'm not saying that I'm gonna get a sex change okay – I'm not there yet, I don't think that I'm ever going to do that. But I just want to stop being a girl, I just want to stop being a woman, and I want to be a man who can just live a life that's a lot simpler. I want to be like a half lady and a half man, but I'm still straight. I want to basically be like a tomboy now because I just can't take it anymore, I just can't take being a girl can I just can't take being a woman, it's the label, it's a stereotype. I just I can't deal with it anymore, I'm sorry, it's just it's too much. I've had to deal with so much my life that I don't want to fucking deal with it anymore. I want to act more like a dude than a lady, I don't know if that's being a Dyke, but remember I'm still straight okay, I still like cock. To get over Nikki, first like I let go myself, and to really truly let go of my pass in a race it, I got two summing drastic. Listen I still may dress like a girl and act like a girl if I choose to, but I'm willing to bring out this other side of me as like an alter ego just so I can recover myself and just kind of get to know myself again. Because I have let myself go too far with this Nikki Sixx thing, now I just don't know where it is anymore, I'm losing my mind already. It's fucking ridiculous! I don't know if I like being feminine, I don't know if I really want to be feminine, I mean I never was a feminine person, but I've always been into being sexy though.
So I'm going to do something to change my identity, just so I can get out of my shell and get over people who put a spin on things and bring me down because, you know what in the end were not here for you were here for us. Just like what Nikki Sixx said on the Sixx Sense last year. Because I tell you right now, I understand why Nikki would be concerned about his reputation and all, but it doesn't feel good as a fan been blocked on Twitter, I'm sorry I just had to say that! And this is my opinion, I'm gonna stand on it, and if you want to be friends with me, great! But please just give me a second chance and unblock me, and if I do it again you can keep me blocked for life, I promise you that I won't do it again. I mean, you know what, I'm done with men, and had enough already. What I mean is that I'm done with the men that I've already dealt with in my life, I'm not really done with men per say, because I'm still trying to date. And I'm also straight. But I want to I want to find a simpler way of life, and not have to worry about these feelings that I have been having, I want Nikki Sixx to break my virginity or whatever, just “fuck it” already. You know I can still be a girl, but I just want to be more like a dude, I don't really want to be a girl if you know I mean. I’m acting like a dude, I'm eating like a dude, I'm the start maybe dressing like a dude a little bit more at certain times, maybe throw this or that my wardrobe that's more dude-ish. You know what I'm missing out on life, and I'm gonna try to let go of my feelings for him by transitioning into this dude persona so I don't even have to worry about being in love just in general. Because I don't like being on love, the way things have went right now, and just in general I think that the heartbreak is just the worst thing to deal with. And I don't want that again, I don't want to be love, it sucks too much. I want to be a rock dude, like I'm done with this man.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Friday, February 6, 2015
My Story
I wrote this earlier this week, on Tuesday, February 3rd, 2015:
I mean, honestly, I just want fifteen minutes of Nikki’s time to tell him more of my personal life’s story, I don’t care how this is done (and it doesn’t have to be face-to-face). We’ve already met twice at meet and greets, and you know that I’ve been a fan since I was just a little kid, I dislike how “they” (as in the staff) make you rush because this big line forms behind you. You never get to spend much time with the person at all. But I got to spend two hours with Tommy Lee because I am a member of the School of Rock. So I know it can happen if you’re in the right place at the right time. (I also went on to say that I know that I can’t get the Sixx Sense gig because, I’m not a big name person who can bring in high ratings. I’m okay with that. You see I just want to talk to Nikki or Jenn for short period of time, not that I don’t like talking to you, because I love talking to you.) If I can’t communicate with Nikki Sixx because he’s too busy, then I’ll be willing to accept an alternative and talk to any of his other friends/associates instead, that’s you.
How did I learn about so much Motley Crue? Because of how many books and Internet postings that I’ve read, radio that I’ve listened too, documentaries that I’ve watched, and what has been passed down to me orally (by word of mouth). So this is the story that I try to tell in my documentary, I am an ex ‘stand-up model,’ what I mean by this is that I was “pretend to be,” I never made it to the industry. Business wise, I never made it anywhere and the two things that make this story so significant is that I was 13 years old back in 2010 and that I was trying to impress someone special, really special. I was purely Myspace based and produced. Before then, of course I had partied my little ass off. I was 13 years old, I was asking out grown men and every one of them had told me no. I also got pretty battered emotionally because everyone was putting me down at that time. This all had a very dark and negative affect on my life. Around the time of August 2010, I fully understood the message of Nikki Sixx’s book The Heroin Dairies, confessed my love for Nikki Sixx to my Dad, and in November of that year I quit my bad habits. What happened in 2011 is that I gave up everything, I was the sexiest “fake” ‘stand-up model’ you’d ever seen; I gave up everything that I wanted to be after I’d met my match. And that was one girl, who’d not only had humbled me, she brought me down, bottom line is after that, my boat sank and I sank with it.
I want to bring rock back. I have a SoundCloud now, http://soundcloud.com/annehill310. Thank you, it’d be great to have someone help me accomplish my mission in life.
Friday, February 6th, 2015:
My documentary has 10,415 views now. How did I promote it? I had to pay about $20 to this web site called get-follower.com. Yes, that’s how I did it but in the end it’s worth it. They use real YouTube views, and I paid for the 20,000 views package, so my video should get there soon, by the end of the month. I mean I feel that this what I’ve had to do to get to where I am today, and I’m proud that I put that Sixx Sense package together. I wrote positive things in there about myself, I really had to dig deep to see what I could mention in there about myself, it took about a good three weeks to complete actually. I mean if you really wanna know what happened here, this is what happened. Of course as a little kid I was a Motley Crue fan, but when I saw the Shout At The Devil cover, I fell in love with him at first sight. But if you ask me honestly, that’s not where it all started, it all started when I heard my first Motley Crue song. I think it may have been Dr. Feelgood, but it could have been Looks That Kill, of course it was a long, long time ago back in the late 90’s. I was still a baby and I heard it on the radio. Because I was wondering “who’s behind this music?” You know kids are curious, and I was definitely curious all right.
They say that kids with Autism are good with computer, right? Well, at least that’s what I’ve heard, by the way it’s very cliche. Before I started out with my first computer experience, I hear this everyday “hmmm beep beep beep beep beep eeekk ahhhh…” it’d drive me crazy! Well, those were the sounds of the age-old dial up Internet. And I also remember hearing this classic phrase over and over again; “You’ve got mail!” Then I’d have my first experience with the computer, at first it was just interactive computer software aimed at toddlers like “Sesame Street Learning Series.” Soon after that I figured out how to use the dial-up Internet, and I remember sometime later we got DSL. Autistic kids are known for having socialization problems, so I spent most of my time on the computer using the Internet. Well, as soon as I could spell words “Motley Crue,” there I was going to web sites. Eventually I’d be looking up Nikki Sixx, because I just did. The first time I’d a go to a web site, a few 80’s photographs would come up. Later I saw web sites showing more current photographs of him, with his then wife, Donna D’Errico. I remember it just like it was yesterday. When Nikki Sixx was with Donna D’Errico and Tommy Lee was with Pamela Anderson, the whole Motley Crue Baywatch phase, I grew up with them man.
Now let me tell you what happened, when I saw Nikki Sixx with Donna D’Errico, at the time of course the Baywatch were in their hay day, and both Donna D’Errico and Pamela Anderson were both known to be ‘real hot babes,’ right? You mine as well just go ahead ask Howard Stern about Donna D’Errico, he’s had a real big crush on her over the years. Boom! This burning desire all the sudden, something I never felt in my life! Howard Stern fell in love with Donna, well who did I fall for? Oh my god, I know, this is crazy. Basically I had seen him with her and I was like “Mmm… if he can have her, he can have me.” Yeah, that’s kind of like what happened. That’s when my interest in him got sparked. The way he held her, looked at her, kissed her, (I know this is his ex-wife I’m talking about here!) but that’s how it all happened! But that’s only half of the story, that was only the beginning. I could have been like around three or four when that started happened, it was such a long time ago, and it’s really difficult to remember exactly when it was, but yet I still remember it happening, of course.
I also fell in love with him seeing how caring he was with his family, so it’s not all “I saw you with her, so now I like you so much,” of course not. Later I’d learn how to read, and I read a lot, nobody knew it, but I read Motley Crue dirt on the Internet of course. The more I found out, the more I fell head over heels in love with Sixx. Even if you think I was too young to get it, what they meant, I was aware enough to make the connections. I grew up being very sexually aware at a young age, and some people may think that’s sad because that ‘young innocence’ is just gone, lost, once you’re sexually aware. What I mean is that you know more than enough about the opposite sex and the facts of life. And back to falling in love with him seeing him with his ex-wife, more than anything, what really got me was seeing him in that Hustler magazine cover shoot in 2003 with Donna. I don’t know when I saw it though, it may have been later, I don’t remember exactly when; I just remember looking at it. I also saw the Vh1 Motley Crue Behind the Music documentary and the Rise and Rise documentary. When I heard his story watching The Rise and Rise of Motley Crue documentary, I was instantly touched, at a young age to me; that was moving.
I’m gonna finish up. So I remember Brides of Destruction, one of my favorite bands, I fell in love with him even more seeing him with them. I mean it comes down to this – he’s awesome, attractive (to me), a bad boy (of course everyone says that), and very pleasing to eye (to me, of course). Then the Carnival of Sins tour came rolling around in 2005 and he’d put on all that great makeup, which tickled my erotic senses even more. Nikki Sixx just signed for songwriter representation with SESAC, and that really hits me hard, right there in my heart. Because emotionally, I fell in love with him hearing/reading his song lyrics and reading his books, and watching interviews too. I also remember how much I choked up watching the Behind the Music documentary when I heard he was dead, got revived, and came back to life. It’s pretty obvious in 2010 when he was single; I tried to get a date with him and failed miserably. It has been extremely challenging and difficult to see him with Courtney Bingham. Honestly I never felt such a pain like this in my life until this happened, I never felt such frustration like this towards another woman in my life. I never hated anyone in my life before then, and of course, you know, that is not the way I am. I never meant it to happen like that either, it just happened, I wish it wouldn’t have. I cried for two days when he proposed to her, I was at Greystone Park when he got married. It’s pretty obvious that I love him and that my feelings for him are genuine and real. I wouldn’t have met Kyle. That’s why I was there at that meet and greet, I was driven. What upsets me the most is that I never even had a chance, and that’s understandable because of where I was at in my life at the time he was single. But I just don’t understand it man, it’s my life.
Valentine’s Day is coming up, I was finishing a project in my ceramics class where we have to make an object like a shoe, of course I chose to make a high heel. I was thinking about him the whole time while I was making it. And some part of me says that I want to give this ceramic high heel to him. I’ve given him gifts before at the last two meet and greets, the first time it was my Mom, who gave him a picture of Elvis, and the last time I personally gave him my music CD. I wanted nothing but just to be friends with him, and there was that one time on Twitter where I got so fluster I said something to him that I didn’t mean, and he blocked me. And I don’t know if he knows how sorry I really am for doing that. You know there was this advertisement for Coke-A-Cola during the super bowl “#MakeItHappy,” you can watch it on YouTube, it reminded me of what I did and that hurts me inside. I’m always getting reminded of it. I hate Valentine’s Day because I never really get anything that special, I mean I usually always get something from my Mom but that gets old. I was starting to get a lump in my throat thinking about it yesterday, as you may know my friend David gave me some advice and I have been trying to get over Nikki. I posted a Craigslist Ad, got all these replies, but nothing has really happened yet. I’ve been trying to go out on a date, that’s all, I got a friend who’s supposedly gonna do with me. Because Craigslist has a pretty bad reputation.
One more thing I wanna tell you about, at school there was this one kid in my cooking class who had told me he had HIV, so I freaked out and told my Dad. I come later to find out now that he was just kidding and I’m like “What the fuck is wrong with him?” I asked him if he was kidding and he said that he wasn’t kidding and that he was serious. My Dad told the administration to investigate it to see if he had HIV and the kid got suspended. It was not only that, he was talking about his private parts while I was trying to eat the food that we were cooking in that class and it was just disgusting. (I know that’s kind of funny.) I couldn’t take it anymore; I was like just done with it already, and I know this kid is a good kid. He came back to school now, he’s in my ceramics class, all my friends know about it and I feel really bad about it. I wasn’t eating the food in cooking class and everything ever since he had told me that, I was trying to protect myself. I asked my friend Shedia in ceramics class about it and she said that he didn’t have HIV and he was just kidding. I don’t know if I really believe her but I don’t feel too good about it. I feel like I’m developing a reputation for being a tattletale and I’m not. Everyone at that school tempts me with their pot, oh my gosh, it’s everywhere, and it’s like their teasing me. High school has been driving me crazy. I tell my Dad stuff but I am not a tattletale. That’s what’s going on right now.
So I’ve wanted to be nothing about friends with Nikki, I want to be able to talk to him a little bit more than what I have been able to, on the phone or texting is okay, or we can talk, I don’t care. I just activated my phone with Sprint so I hope you don’t mind; this is my new number, (***) ***-***. Please use this number if you want to talk or text me. You know what would surprise the hell outta me? If Nikki texted me on Valentine’s Day, that would make my day (Ha Ha). I hope my valentine’s day will be all right though because it’s my least favorite Holiday…. You would know why. Bye.
This is the ceramic heel I created in my ceramics class.
I mean, honestly, I just want fifteen minutes of Nikki’s time to tell him more of my personal life’s story, I don’t care how this is done (and it doesn’t have to be face-to-face). We’ve already met twice at meet and greets, and you know that I’ve been a fan since I was just a little kid, I dislike how “they” (as in the staff) make you rush because this big line forms behind you. You never get to spend much time with the person at all. But I got to spend two hours with Tommy Lee because I am a member of the School of Rock. So I know it can happen if you’re in the right place at the right time. (I also went on to say that I know that I can’t get the Sixx Sense gig because, I’m not a big name person who can bring in high ratings. I’m okay with that. You see I just want to talk to Nikki or Jenn for short period of time, not that I don’t like talking to you, because I love talking to you.) If I can’t communicate with Nikki Sixx because he’s too busy, then I’ll be willing to accept an alternative and talk to any of his other friends/associates instead, that’s you.
How did I learn about so much Motley Crue? Because of how many books and Internet postings that I’ve read, radio that I’ve listened too, documentaries that I’ve watched, and what has been passed down to me orally (by word of mouth). So this is the story that I try to tell in my documentary, I am an ex ‘stand-up model,’ what I mean by this is that I was “pretend to be,” I never made it to the industry. Business wise, I never made it anywhere and the two things that make this story so significant is that I was 13 years old back in 2010 and that I was trying to impress someone special, really special. I was purely Myspace based and produced. Before then, of course I had partied my little ass off. I was 13 years old, I was asking out grown men and every one of them had told me no. I also got pretty battered emotionally because everyone was putting me down at that time. This all had a very dark and negative affect on my life. Around the time of August 2010, I fully understood the message of Nikki Sixx’s book The Heroin Dairies, confessed my love for Nikki Sixx to my Dad, and in November of that year I quit my bad habits. What happened in 2011 is that I gave up everything, I was the sexiest “fake” ‘stand-up model’ you’d ever seen; I gave up everything that I wanted to be after I’d met my match. And that was one girl, who’d not only had humbled me, she brought me down, bottom line is after that, my boat sank and I sank with it.
I want to bring rock back. I have a SoundCloud now, http://soundcloud.com/annehill310. Thank you, it’d be great to have someone help me accomplish my mission in life.
Friday, February 6th, 2015:
My documentary has 10,415 views now. How did I promote it? I had to pay about $20 to this web site called get-follower.com. Yes, that’s how I did it but in the end it’s worth it. They use real YouTube views, and I paid for the 20,000 views package, so my video should get there soon, by the end of the month. I mean I feel that this what I’ve had to do to get to where I am today, and I’m proud that I put that Sixx Sense package together. I wrote positive things in there about myself, I really had to dig deep to see what I could mention in there about myself, it took about a good three weeks to complete actually. I mean if you really wanna know what happened here, this is what happened. Of course as a little kid I was a Motley Crue fan, but when I saw the Shout At The Devil cover, I fell in love with him at first sight. But if you ask me honestly, that’s not where it all started, it all started when I heard my first Motley Crue song. I think it may have been Dr. Feelgood, but it could have been Looks That Kill, of course it was a long, long time ago back in the late 90’s. I was still a baby and I heard it on the radio. Because I was wondering “who’s behind this music?” You know kids are curious, and I was definitely curious all right.
They say that kids with Autism are good with computer, right? Well, at least that’s what I’ve heard, by the way it’s very cliche. Before I started out with my first computer experience, I hear this everyday “hmmm beep beep beep beep beep eeekk ahhhh…” it’d drive me crazy! Well, those were the sounds of the age-old dial up Internet. And I also remember hearing this classic phrase over and over again; “You’ve got mail!” Then I’d have my first experience with the computer, at first it was just interactive computer software aimed at toddlers like “Sesame Street Learning Series.” Soon after that I figured out how to use the dial-up Internet, and I remember sometime later we got DSL. Autistic kids are known for having socialization problems, so I spent most of my time on the computer using the Internet. Well, as soon as I could spell words “Motley Crue,” there I was going to web sites. Eventually I’d be looking up Nikki Sixx, because I just did. The first time I’d a go to a web site, a few 80’s photographs would come up. Later I saw web sites showing more current photographs of him, with his then wife, Donna D’Errico. I remember it just like it was yesterday. When Nikki Sixx was with Donna D’Errico and Tommy Lee was with Pamela Anderson, the whole Motley Crue Baywatch phase, I grew up with them man.
Now let me tell you what happened, when I saw Nikki Sixx with Donna D’Errico, at the time of course the Baywatch were in their hay day, and both Donna D’Errico and Pamela Anderson were both known to be ‘real hot babes,’ right? You mine as well just go ahead ask Howard Stern about Donna D’Errico, he’s had a real big crush on her over the years. Boom! This burning desire all the sudden, something I never felt in my life! Howard Stern fell in love with Donna, well who did I fall for? Oh my god, I know, this is crazy. Basically I had seen him with her and I was like “Mmm… if he can have her, he can have me.” Yeah, that’s kind of like what happened. That’s when my interest in him got sparked. The way he held her, looked at her, kissed her, (I know this is his ex-wife I’m talking about here!) but that’s how it all happened! But that’s only half of the story, that was only the beginning. I could have been like around three or four when that started happened, it was such a long time ago, and it’s really difficult to remember exactly when it was, but yet I still remember it happening, of course.
I also fell in love with him seeing how caring he was with his family, so it’s not all “I saw you with her, so now I like you so much,” of course not. Later I’d learn how to read, and I read a lot, nobody knew it, but I read Motley Crue dirt on the Internet of course. The more I found out, the more I fell head over heels in love with Sixx. Even if you think I was too young to get it, what they meant, I was aware enough to make the connections. I grew up being very sexually aware at a young age, and some people may think that’s sad because that ‘young innocence’ is just gone, lost, once you’re sexually aware. What I mean is that you know more than enough about the opposite sex and the facts of life. And back to falling in love with him seeing him with his ex-wife, more than anything, what really got me was seeing him in that Hustler magazine cover shoot in 2003 with Donna. I don’t know when I saw it though, it may have been later, I don’t remember exactly when; I just remember looking at it. I also saw the Vh1 Motley Crue Behind the Music documentary and the Rise and Rise documentary. When I heard his story watching The Rise and Rise of Motley Crue documentary, I was instantly touched, at a young age to me; that was moving.
I’m gonna finish up. So I remember Brides of Destruction, one of my favorite bands, I fell in love with him even more seeing him with them. I mean it comes down to this – he’s awesome, attractive (to me), a bad boy (of course everyone says that), and very pleasing to eye (to me, of course). Then the Carnival of Sins tour came rolling around in 2005 and he’d put on all that great makeup, which tickled my erotic senses even more. Nikki Sixx just signed for songwriter representation with SESAC, and that really hits me hard, right there in my heart. Because emotionally, I fell in love with him hearing/reading his song lyrics and reading his books, and watching interviews too. I also remember how much I choked up watching the Behind the Music documentary when I heard he was dead, got revived, and came back to life. It’s pretty obvious in 2010 when he was single; I tried to get a date with him and failed miserably. It has been extremely challenging and difficult to see him with Courtney Bingham. Honestly I never felt such a pain like this in my life until this happened, I never felt such frustration like this towards another woman in my life. I never hated anyone in my life before then, and of course, you know, that is not the way I am. I never meant it to happen like that either, it just happened, I wish it wouldn’t have. I cried for two days when he proposed to her, I was at Greystone Park when he got married. It’s pretty obvious that I love him and that my feelings for him are genuine and real. I wouldn’t have met Kyle. That’s why I was there at that meet and greet, I was driven. What upsets me the most is that I never even had a chance, and that’s understandable because of where I was at in my life at the time he was single. But I just don’t understand it man, it’s my life.
Valentine’s Day is coming up, I was finishing a project in my ceramics class where we have to make an object like a shoe, of course I chose to make a high heel. I was thinking about him the whole time while I was making it. And some part of me says that I want to give this ceramic high heel to him. I’ve given him gifts before at the last two meet and greets, the first time it was my Mom, who gave him a picture of Elvis, and the last time I personally gave him my music CD. I wanted nothing but just to be friends with him, and there was that one time on Twitter where I got so fluster I said something to him that I didn’t mean, and he blocked me. And I don’t know if he knows how sorry I really am for doing that. You know there was this advertisement for Coke-A-Cola during the super bowl “#MakeItHappy,” you can watch it on YouTube, it reminded me of what I did and that hurts me inside. I’m always getting reminded of it. I hate Valentine’s Day because I never really get anything that special, I mean I usually always get something from my Mom but that gets old. I was starting to get a lump in my throat thinking about it yesterday, as you may know my friend David gave me some advice and I have been trying to get over Nikki. I posted a Craigslist Ad, got all these replies, but nothing has really happened yet. I’ve been trying to go out on a date, that’s all, I got a friend who’s supposedly gonna do with me. Because Craigslist has a pretty bad reputation.
One more thing I wanna tell you about, at school there was this one kid in my cooking class who had told me he had HIV, so I freaked out and told my Dad. I come later to find out now that he was just kidding and I’m like “What the fuck is wrong with him?” I asked him if he was kidding and he said that he wasn’t kidding and that he was serious. My Dad told the administration to investigate it to see if he had HIV and the kid got suspended. It was not only that, he was talking about his private parts while I was trying to eat the food that we were cooking in that class and it was just disgusting. (I know that’s kind of funny.) I couldn’t take it anymore; I was like just done with it already, and I know this kid is a good kid. He came back to school now, he’s in my ceramics class, all my friends know about it and I feel really bad about it. I wasn’t eating the food in cooking class and everything ever since he had told me that, I was trying to protect myself. I asked my friend Shedia in ceramics class about it and she said that he didn’t have HIV and he was just kidding. I don’t know if I really believe her but I don’t feel too good about it. I feel like I’m developing a reputation for being a tattletale and I’m not. Everyone at that school tempts me with their pot, oh my gosh, it’s everywhere, and it’s like their teasing me. High school has been driving me crazy. I tell my Dad stuff but I am not a tattletale. That’s what’s going on right now.
So I’ve wanted to be nothing about friends with Nikki, I want to be able to talk to him a little bit more than what I have been able to, on the phone or texting is okay, or we can talk, I don’t care. I just activated my phone with Sprint so I hope you don’t mind; this is my new number, (***) ***-***. Please use this number if you want to talk or text me. You know what would surprise the hell outta me? If Nikki texted me on Valentine’s Day, that would make my day (Ha Ha). I hope my valentine’s day will be all right though because it’s my least favorite Holiday…. You would know why. Bye.
This is the ceramic heel I created in my ceramics class.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Writing a request for guest appearance on the Sixx Sense!
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